It has been a very long time since I wrote my first blog entry. I had hoped to begin journaling my life for the sole purpose of looking backward and musing at where I'd come from, and to share those musings with friends. But here it is, and here I am, blogging again to pour my heart out onto the medium that will have me.
I should warn at the outset that I am no armchair theologian, nor even a daily consumer of scripture (though I know I should be and am blessed to have access to YouVersion). I'm working on that fatal flaw, people, I'm workin' on it. But even in my gross humanity and lack of education, I am encouraged to study and grow as a believer. Such reflection leads me to the following thoughts on toxicity which have plagued me for the past seven years. I share my thoughts now with the hope that they will set you on your own path of discovery. If you would like to read a piece on conflict written by someone much smarter than me, try this:
If you chose to read on, then I begin by saying I've found that, very often, worldly wisdom contradicts God's truths. There are secular ideas which we embrace, little "isms" that work their way into our personal lexicons. I've embraced many over the years (e.g. Maya Angelou: When you know better, you do better. Dr. Phil: People don't break bad habits; they replace them with new ones.) Unfortunately, we who are fans of pop culture can also be swayed to believe certain ideas that are not truths, but simply ideas which have gained steam. One such idea is that toxic people must be cut from our lives.
I couldn't agree more that if you are an alcoholic whose friend insists on inviting you out to party every evening, you might question the sanity of continuing to socialize with that friend. But unlike some popular memes, one of which follows, courtesy of http://quotesgram.com/toxic-people-quotes/, I am not suggesting you grow your selfish muscle or meet your own needs at the expense of all others. What I am suggesting is that you make choices that are healthy for you. You may need to choose a level of involvement with those you deem destructive -- for instance, if the problem person is a coworker, you may consider limiting your interactions to those at work and after-work phone calls only.
I believe it was never the Lord's intention for us to alienate family. Temporary distance may be called for, but never annihilation of blood bonds. No matter what lies others whisper in my ear, and no matter what the world inundates me with from magazine racks and the internet, I believe family to be sacred and family relationships sacrosanct.
As so often happens in today's world, scripture has been perverted to reflect the personal opinions of the "teacher". False teachers use Luke 12:53 (NIV) as an example of this: "They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law." In context, I believe the writer of scripture to be speaking about believers and non-believers, which is an entirely separate issue and one I am unqualified to address. I believe it was never suggested that family stop being family. Rather, scripture was addressing a specific instance within the family of some being followers of Christ and others not.
Referring to a family member as "toxic" encourages an interpretation of scripture which I do not believe was ever intended. Certain actions, which would otherwise be unacceptable, are skewed to meet that erroneous and unhealthy interpretation. Two family members who serve the same God and believe in His sovereignty in their lives are called to work together for His purposes. These same two people may disagree; they may differ on major points of contention, perhaps even on theological points; they may remember life events differently; and ultimately they may make different choices which lead to different paths. However, if they are serving the same God, declaring the doctrine of Jesus Christ, they are called to be family and to work through challenges together, with eyes on the prize of resolution and a restoration of love.
When I am in the midst of conflict, I often stop to pray for the wisdom to know how to proceed. Stopping to pray is my single most important action. I must ask the Lord how He would have me think and proceed. I must lay down 'my right to be right' and ask Jesus to light my path. I must remember the fruit of the spirit and the life found in John 13:35 (NIV): "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
I confess that in the heat of battle, I sometimes fall pathetically short of my own ideal. But the more years I live, I find opportunities for redemption. I encourage you, brothers and sisters, to "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you" Matthew 6:33 (KJV).
Now I'm off to mend that fence which seven years of conflict led me to finally tear down and stomp on. I'm off to pick up that relationship once more and cherish it in the way my God intended. Those six days felt good and I felt most empowered, but those days were the antithesis of everything I know to be true. Please pray for me, as I covet those prayers, and His resulting grace, mercy and peace.
Thanks for reading, friend. And as always, thanks for grace with the imperfections of my process. I learn more and grow every day, by God's grace and His unfailing love.
With much love,
Cheryl
